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Thread: Humor thread

  1. #41
    Member ZGOZZ's Avatar
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    Dec 2003
    NJ USA
    12 Shots

    A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as
    fast as he can.
    The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

    The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

    The bartender says, "What do you have?"

    The guy says, "75 cents."

  2. #42
    @md0Cer's Avatar
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    Nov 2003
    Denver, CO

    It kinda bashes macs, so you dont like that stuff don't click I'm not against macs, just thought it was kinda funny.

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  3. #43
    Member ZGOZZ's Avatar
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    Dec 2003
    NJ USA


    Attached Images Attached Images

  4. #44
    Insane Overclocking Clown Krusty's Avatar
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    Sep 2001
    Orange County
    Well, considering that I just HAD to post this AND it would likely be considered big time chat, I figured it would work nicely in the humor thread.

    I was typing in some random words to look up at and decided to try looking up There was no definition for it, but for alternate words, I found an interesting one:

    There are 10 types of people in this world: Those who understand binary and those who don't.

  5. #45
    Mr.Guvernment's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Costa Rica - and toronto sometimes

    In Honor of Stupid People

    In Honor of Stupid People

    In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

    On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
    (Damn, and that's the only time I have to do my hair).

    On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
    Details inside. (The shoplifter special)?

    On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
    (and that would be how???....)

    On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
    (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

    On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."
    (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

    On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
    (...and you thought????...)

    On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
    (but wouldn't this save me more time)?

    On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
    (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

    On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
    (and...I'm taking this because???....)

    On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
    (as opposed to...where)?

    On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
    (Now, somebody out there, help me on this.)

    On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
    (talk about a news flash)

    On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
    (Step 3: maybe, Delta?)

    On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
    (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

    On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
    (Oh my God .Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

    Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (Maybe even chuckle) other words send it to everyone.

    ,`, Poor Planning On Your Part Does Not Constitute An Emergency On My Part ,`,
    ,`, The trouble with life is theres no background music ,`,
    ,`, Life isnt short, you're just dead for too long,`,

  6. #46
    Banned ElectroX's Avatar
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    Jan 2004
    Orange County
    Have you guys heard this?

  7. #47
    Member Bensa's Avatar
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    Jun 2003
    My god, its better than yatta:
    Funny Korean Video
    The elephant/Epox verdict:
    Many readers have noted that their newly purchased elephants won't properly fit into the AGP slot of the 8KHA motherboards because some capacitors were in the way. Since most elephants don't comply with the AGP 2.0 specification, we recommend that God does a product recall on elephants.

  8. #48
    Member =ACID RAIN='s Avatar
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    May 2003
    Kingwood, TX

    Very strange. Very very strange.
    MY HEAT | Websense who? | Windows lockdown
    Mine: Q6600 . IP35 Pro . 8GB RAM . Velociraptor 150 . Win7 Enterprise
    Wife: E6600 . GA-G31M-ES2 . 4GB RAM . Buncha drives . WinXP Pro
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    Sandbox 3: Opteron 146 . 768MB RAM . 120GB . 2008 R2 (headless, no video, remote only)
    Laptop: Vostro 1700 . 4GB RAM . Win7 Enterprise

  9. #49
    Member nightmare3215's Avatar
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    Aug 2003
    underneath the sky
    This one's very very stupid.

    two muffins were baking in an oven, one turned to the other and said, "Gosh its hot in here". Then the other one jumped and said, "AHH!!! A talking muffin!"

  10. #50
    Member dead_man311's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Some where in Michigan

    Here's one for ya ( ppl from Mi will like it )


    70 above

    Texans turn on the heat and unpack the thermal underwear.
    People in Michigan go swimming in the Lakes.

    60 above

    North Carolinians try to turn on the heat.
    People in Michigan plant gardens.

    50 above

    Californians shiver uncontrollably.
    People in Michigan sunbathe.

    40 above

    Italian & English cars won't start.
    People in Michigan drive with the windows down.

    32 above

    Distilled water freezes.
    Lake Superior's water gets thicker.

    20 above

    Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, and woolly hats.
    People in Michigan throw on a flannel shirt.

    15 above

    Philadelphia landlords finally turn up the heat.
    People in Michigan have the last cookout before it gets cold.


    People in Miami all die...
    Michiganders lick the flagpole.

    20 below

    Californians fly away to Mexico.
    People in Michigan get out their winter coats.

    40 below

    Hollywood disintegrates.
    The Girl Scouts in Michigan are selling cookies door to door.

    60 below

    Polar bears begin to evacuate the Artic.
    Michigan Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.

    80 below

    Mt. St. Helens freezes.
    People in Michigan rent some videos.

    100 below

    Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
    Michiganders get frustrated because they can't thaw the keg.

    297 below

    Microbial life no longer survives on dairy products.
    Cows in Michigan complain about farmers with cold hands.

    460 below

    ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero in the Kelvin scale).
    People in Michigan start saying, "Cold 'nuff for ya?"

    500 below

    Hell freezes over.
    The Lions win the Super Bowl!
    Last edited by dead_man311; 05-22-04 at 10:27 AM.

  11. #51
    Member Aslan's Avatar
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    Dec 2002
    North Vancouver, Canada

    Japanese Penny Arcade Remix Project

    A lot of them seem completely random, but they're still hilarious.

  12. #52
    Curmudgeon DAGO's Avatar
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    Aug 2001
    Chico CA
    This one just in...

    Subject: Abbot and Costello in Cyberspace

    ABBOT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
    COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den,
    and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

    ABBOT: Mac?
    COSTELLO: No, the names Lou.

    ABBOT: Your computer?
    COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

    ABBOT: Mac?
    COSTELLO: I told you, my names Lou.

    ABBOT: What about Windows?
    COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

    ABBOT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
    COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

    ABBOT: Wallpaper.
    COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

    ABBOT: Software for Windows?
    COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

    ABBOT: Office.
    COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

    ABBOT: I just did.
    COSTELLO: You just did what?

    ABBOT: Recommend something.
    COSTELLO: You recommended something?

    ABBOT: Yes.
    COSTELLO: For my office?

    ABBOT: Yes
    COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

    ABBOT: Office.
    COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

    ABBOT: I recommend Office with Windows.
    COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows!
    OK, let's just say, I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal.
    What do I need?

    ABBOT: Word.
    COSTELLO: What word?
    ABBOT: Word in Office.

    COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
    ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.

    COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
    ABBOT: The Word you get when you click the blue w.

    COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue w if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

    ABBOT: Yes, you want RealOne.
    COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

    ABBOT: RealOne.
    COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reels 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?

    ABBOT: Of course.
    COSTELLO: Great, with what?

    ABBOT: RealOne.
    COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

    ABBOT: You click the blue 1.
    COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

    ABBOT: The blue 1.
    COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

    ABBOT: The blue 1 is RealOne and the blue w is Word.
    COSTELLO: What word?

    ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
    COSTELLO: But there's three words in office for windows!

    ABBOT: No, just one But it's the most popular Word in the world.
    COSTELLO: It is?

    ABBOT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It
    pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
    COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

    ABBOT: RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office.
    COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial
    bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

    ABBOT: Money.
    COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

    ABBOT: Money.
    COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

    ABBOT: It comes bundled with your computer.
    COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer?

    ABBOT: Money.
    COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

    ABBOT: Yes. No extra charge.
    COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

    ABBOT: One copy.
    COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

    ABBOT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
    COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

    ABBOT: Why not, they own it.
    "DAMN THE TORPEDOES, FULL SPEED AHEAD!"------------Farragut at Mobile Bay-----------
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  13. #53
    Member oo_7's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2002
    LIVING IN 2004.....frighteningly true....
    You know you're living in 2004 when...

    1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

    2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

    3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

    4. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.

    5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not
    have e-mail addresses.

    6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone
    in a business manner.

    7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "0" or "9"
    to get an outside line.

    8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
    different companies.

    10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

    11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

    12. Contractors out number permanent staff and are more likely to get
    long-service awards.


    13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

    14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your

    15. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore,
    except to send you jokes from the net.

    16. You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9.

    17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No.9.

    18. And now you are laughing at yourself!

    Finally, you fwd this to your friends......
    ASUS Sabertooth P67
    Intel i7 2600K 3.4Ghz @ 4.5Ghz
    Corsair H80
    Corsair Domination DHX+ 1600Mhz 4GB @ 1866Mhz
    Corsair 550w PSU
    Corsair 120Gb Force 3 Harddrive
    GeForce GTX570 @ 822/1644/3.9Ghz (gpu/Shader/Mem)
    NZXT Phantom Big Tower (Vadar Black)

  14. #54
    Member oo_7's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2002
    I wish all Blue screens looked like this:

    ASUS Sabertooth P67
    Intel i7 2600K 3.4Ghz @ 4.5Ghz
    Corsair H80
    Corsair Domination DHX+ 1600Mhz 4GB @ 1866Mhz
    Corsair 550w PSU
    Corsair 120Gb Force 3 Harddrive
    GeForce GTX570 @ 822/1644/3.9Ghz (gpu/Shader/Mem)
    NZXT Phantom Big Tower (Vadar Black)

  15. #55
    Member Agent_Mull's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Leawood, KS

    Wow, i cant remember no one has mentioned weebl.
    Last edited by Agent_Mull; 05-08-04 at 11:51 PM.

  16. #56
    Member deRusett's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2002
    Midland, Ontario
    Success is..
    At age 4 .... success is .... not peeing in your pants.
    At age 12 .... success is .... having friends.
    At age 17 .... success is .... having a driving licence.
    At age 20 .... success is .... having sex.
    At age 35 .... success is .... having money.
    At age 50 .... success is .... having money.
    At age 60 .... success is .... having sex.
    At age 70 .... success is .... having a driving licence.
    At age 75 .... success is .... having friends.
    At age 80 .... success is .... not peeing in your pants
    At Any Age ... success is ... Folding for Team 32

  17. #57
    Member dead_man311's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Some where in Michigan
    More Michigan Jokes

    - Jeff Foxworthy on Michigan:

    - If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the foodwill swim by, you might live in Michigan.

    - If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Pelston is the coldest spot in the nation,you might live in Michigan.

    - If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Michigan

    - If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of theyear, you might live in Michigan.

    - If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't workthere, you might live in Michigan

    - If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Michigan.

    - If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you mightlive in Michigan.

    - If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you mightlive in Michigan.

    - If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Michigan.

    - YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE Michigander WHEN:

    >> 1. "Vacation" means going up north past US-75 for the weekend.
    >> 2. You measure distance in hours.
    >> 3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
    >> 4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.
    >> 5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
    >> 6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).
    >> 7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
    >> 8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
    >> 9. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snow suit.
    >> 10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow. (Isn't that the truth!)
    >> 11. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.
    >> 12. You can identify a southern or eastern accent.
    >> 13. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer nextto your blue spruce.
    >> 14. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.
    >> 15. Down South to you means Indiana.
    >> 16. A brat is something you eat.
    >> 17. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed.
    >> 18. You go out to a fish fry every Friday.
    >> 19. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
    >> 20. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
    >> 21. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."
    >> 22. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Michigan friends.
    >> Sad....but true!!!

  18. #58
    Member Krowa 02's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2002
    Long Island New York

    Remix of the badgerbadgerbadger thing.

    I got alot more funny things, dont know if they will fly here since alot of it is mostly uncensored

    -EDIT- check this out and try not to have a seizure
    Last edited by Krowa 02; 06-01-04 at 03:48 AM.

  19. #59
    Member Gallapoo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    A couple of things, I made this in ancient days:

    And something I saw that was funny:
    Last edited by Thelemac; 06-09-04 at 12:24 AM.

  20. #60
    Member n17ikh's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2003

    Bulletproof glass meets stupid criminals. Nuff said.
    Lions and tigers come running just to steal your luck.

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