[Thelemac]

Jokes and funny links go here. Just the joke/link, perhaps an explanation for the link. No posts that don't have humor in them!

Remember, too...we're prudes here, so keep it clean!

[ArBiTaL 24]

Right then, just a couple of jokes

(WARNING! DANGER! this is raw and unedited! the swear filter should catch anything offensive, i'll review again after posting. Any problems, just edit or hit "PM"


Q: What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium's floating point divider? A: "Life is like a box of chocolates." (Source: F. Gump of Intel)



Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the 586? A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got 585.999983605.



A man is walking down the street. He looks over and sees a frog sitting there on the sidewalk. The frog looks up and says in a sweet voice, "I am really a princess. If you kiss me just once, I will return to my human form and do anything for you." The man picks up the frog, looks at it, and places it in his pocket. He then heads on his way again. Shortly a voice is heard from his pocket: "Didn't you hear me? If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and do anything for you." The man takes the frog from his pocket, looks at it for a moment, and returns is to his pocket. Shortly the voice is heard again, this time with a frustrated tone: "Hey! What's wrong with you?! I said if you kiss me I'll turn into a beautiful princess and do anything you want!" The man pulls out the frog and says to it, "Look, I'm a computer science student. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is kind of neat."



Q: How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, that's a hardware problem.



Top ten new slogans for Intel:
•9.9999973251 it’s a FLAW, Dammit, not a Bug
•8.9999163362 It's Close Enough, We Say So
•7.9999414610 Nearly 300 Correct Opcodes
•6.9999831538 You Don't Need to Know What's Inside
•5.9999835137 Redefining the PC and Mathematics As Well
•4.9999999021 We Fixed It, Really
•3.9998245917 Division Considered Harmful
•2.9991523619 Why Do You Think They Call It *Floating* Point? •1.9999103517 we’re looking for a Few Good Flaws
•0.9999999998 The Errata Inside



Q: What's another name for the "Intel Inside" sticker they put on Pentiums? A: The warning label.



How to determine if Technology has taken over Your Life

1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.

2. You can no longer sit through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house only computers with laser printers.

4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.

5. You disdain people who use low Baud rates.

6.When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.

9. You know bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.

10.You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

11. You sign Christmas cards by putting : ) next to your signature.

12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far cleverer than : ) .

13. You back up your data every day.

14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a wrist-rest for her mouse.

15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

16.On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

17.The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.

18.You are able to argue persuasively that Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand drawn pie charts.

19.You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.

20.You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

21.You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.

22.You know without a doubt that disks come in five and a quarter and three and a half inch sizes.

23.Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.

24.You own a set of itty bitty screwdrivers and you actually know where they are.

25.While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse induced index finger strain with a nine year old.

26.You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.

27.You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

28.You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

29.You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better the track ball or the track *pad*.

30.You understand all the above jokes. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.

31.You email these jokes to your friends over the net. You'd never get around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people face to face.



Top 17 Programmer's Terminologies

1.A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We are still ****ing in the wind.

2.EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM -We just hired three kids fresh out of college.

3.CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION - We know who to blame.

4.MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH - It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.

5.CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED - We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.

6.PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE - The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

7.TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING - We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.

8.THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED - The only person who understood the thing quit.

9.IT IS IN THE PROCESS - It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.

10.WE WILL LOOK INTO IT - Forget it! We have enough problems for now.

11.PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL - Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.

12.GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING - We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.

13.GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION - I can't wait to hear this bull!

14.SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS - Come into my office, I'm lonely.

15.ALL NEW - Code not interchangeable with the previous design.

16.YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - It finally worked!

17.LOW MAINTENANCE - Impossible to fix if broken.



Q: How does Bill Gates screw in a lightbulb? A: He doesn't. He declares darkness the industry standard.



Diary of an AOL User:
July 18 I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd better hold onto it incase they don't ever send me anther one! I can't connect. I don't know what is wrong.

July 19 Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?

July 22 I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.

July 23 I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old next door did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get online. July 25. That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America Online for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says that's just another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and he does these services for people. Anyway he's smarter then the jerks who sold me the modem. They didn't even tell me about communications software. Bet they didn't know. And why do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of a modem when you only need one? And why do they have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to the phone jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb! But the kid figured it out by the sound.

July 26 What's the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not this internet thing. I'm confused.

July 27 The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is compared to me. Maybe he's not so modest after all.

July 28 I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. Maybe I need to buy a microphone.

July 29 I found this thing called Usenet. I got out of it because I'm connected to America Online not Usenet.

July 30 These people in this Usenet thing keep using capital letters. How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.

JULY 31 I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISNT THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.

AUGUST 1 I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.

AUGUST 2 I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA! HA! I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.

AUGUST 3 I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON'T NOW SPIDERS GREW THAT LARGE.

AUGUST 4 THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE. I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES.

AUGUST 5 SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO USE PROFANITY.

AUGUST 6 SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES. WHAT A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING! HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?

August 7 Why have a Caps Lock key if you're not suppose to use it? Its probably an extra feature that costs more money.

August 8 I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so exited. I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup I could find.

August 9 I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I will have to work on it some more.

August 10 I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the earth. I wonder what an aol is.

August 11 I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked but I can't find that group.

August 12 I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house he's laughing so hard he can't eat or sleep or do his homework. So they wont let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I don't know why the rec.humor group didn't like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts of the joke and they used bad words.

August 13 I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want to read my favorite poem so I included it. I'm also going to add that short story I like.

August 14 Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing. I told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.





Windows95: The only computer virus with a user interface.



Top Ten Habits of Highly Effective Flamethrowers:
Rule 10: Never forget that the person reading your mail is a person, with feelings that can be hurt. If you see the opportunity, hurt them.

Rule 9: Behave online as you do in real life. This way, you can act like a total jerk under all circumstances.

Rule 8: Lurk until you get a feel for what's acceptable in a particular forum or newsgroup. Then leap in and do the opposite.

Rule 7: Be aware of others' time and bandwidth. Never post anything shorter than seven paragraphs. Ensure your sig is at least a screen long.

Rule 6: Make yourself look good online always post your abuse in complete, grammatically correct sentences.

Rule 5: Share expert knowledge. If you know how to push someone's buttons in a forum, send private email to everyone else telling them.

Rule 4: Help keep flame wars under control: lead the charge.

Rule 3: Respect other people's privacy...if you have some dirt about a member of a newsgroup, spread it only via private email.

Rule 2: Don't abuse your power. Flame only those who disagree with you.

Rule 1: Remember: You were a network newbie once, too. You deserved all the flaming you got then. The current batch deserves no less.




The rumour is that Jack Kevorkian has setup a Windows NT users group.




If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Xerox made toasters... You could toast one sided or double sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.

If Radio Shack made toasters... The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

If University of Waterloo made toasters... They would immediately spin off a company called WatToast.

If ParcPlace made toasters... Their OO building block system would be called EGGO.

If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.

If Sun made toasters... The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.

Does DEC still make toasters?... They made good toasters in the '80s, didn't they?

If Hewlett Packard made toasters... They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

If Tandem made toasters... You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned the toaster would automatically toast you a new one.

If Thinking Machines made toasters... You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.

If Cray made toasters... They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single slice toaster in the world.

If The Rand Corporation made toasters... It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.

If the NSA made toasters... Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.

If Sony made toasters... The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.

If Timex made toasters... They would be cheap and small quartz crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.

If Fisher Price made toasters... "Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack in the box.

If the Franklin Mint made toasters... Every month, you would receive another lovely hand crafted piece of your authentic hand crafted Civil War pewter toaster.

If CostCo made toasters... They'd be really cheap, as long as you bought a six pack of 'em.

If Microsoft made toasters... Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but none the less would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

If Apple made toasters... It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.




If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.



Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to read.



2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.



Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.



Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!



Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)



Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....



Enter any 11digit prime number to continue...



ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI! (groan)



I have a spelling checker It came with my PC It plane lee marks four my review Miss steaks aye can knot sea



"There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and Unix. We don't believe this to be a coincidence." Jeremy S. Anderson



Shooting Yourself in the Foot; or How to Determine Which Programming Language You're Using. The proliferation of modern programming languages which seem to have stolen countless features from each other sometimes makes it difficult to remember which language you're using. This guide is offered as a public service to help programmers in such dilemmas.

C: You shoot yourself in the foot.

C++: You accidently create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical care is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "that's me, over there."

Objective C (NeXT): You write a protocol for shooting yourself in the foot so that all people can get shot in their feet.

Ada: If you are dumb enough to actually use this language, the United States Department of Defense will kidnap you, stand you up in front of a firing squad, and tell the soldiers, "Shoot at his feet." or After correctly packaging your foot, you attempt to concurrently load the gun, pull the trigger, scream and shoot yourself in the foot. When you try, however, you discover that your foot is of the wrong type.

Algol: You shoot yourself in the foot with a musket. The musket is aesthetically fascinating, and the wound baffles the adolescent medic in the emergency room.

Pascal: The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.

APL: You hear a gunshot, and there's a hole in your foot, but you don't remember enough linear algebra to understand what happened. or You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do it fewer characters.

Assembly: You crash the OS and overwrite the root disk. The system administrator arrives and shoots you in the foot. After a moment of contemplation, the administrator shoots himself in the foot and then hops around the room rabidly shooting at everyone in sight. or You try to shoot yourself in the foot only to discover you must first reinvent the gun, the bullet, and your foot.

BASIC: Shoot self in foot with water pistol. On big systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.

Visual Basic: You'll shoot yourself in the foot, but you'll have so much fun doing it that you won't care.

COBOL: USEing a COLT45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER, and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. Check whether shoelace needs to be retied.

DBase: You squeeze the trigger, but the bullet moves so slowly that by the time your foot feels the pain you've forgotten why you shot yourself anyway.

DBase IV version 1.0: You pull the trigger, but it turns out that the gun was a poorly designed grenade and the whole building blows up.

Forth: yourself foot shoot.

FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception processing ability.

Modula/2: After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in the language, you shoot yourself in the head. sh, csh, etc.: You can't remember the syntax for anything, so you spend five hours reading man pages before giving up. You then shoot the computer and switch to C.

Smalltalk: You spend so much time playing with the graphics and windowing system that your boss shoots you in the foot, takes away your workstation, and makes you develop in COBOL on a character terminal.

PL/I: You consume all available system resources, including all the offline bullets. The DataProcessing&Payroll Department doubles its size, triples its budget, acquires four new mainframes, and drops the original one on your foot.

Prolog: You attempt to shoot yourself in the foot, but the bullet, failing to find its mark, backtracks to the gun which then explodes in your face. or You tell your program you want to be shot in the foot. The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't allow it to explain.

SNOBOL: You grab your foot with your hand, then rewrite your hand to be a bullet. The act of shooting the original foot then changes your hand/bullet into yet another foot (a left foot). or If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot.

lisp: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds... scheme: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds... ...but none of the other appendages are aware of this happening.

Paradox: Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can too.

Revelation: You'll be able to shoot yourself in the foot just as soon as you figure out what all these bullets are for.

English: You put your foot in your mouth, then bite it off. CLIPPER: You grab a bullet, get ready to insert it in the gun so that you can shoot yourself in the foot, and discover that the gun that the bullet fits has not yet been built, but should be arriving in the mail _REAL_SOON_NOW_.

SQL: You cut your foot off, send it out to a service bureau and when it returns, it has a hole in it, but will no longer fit the attachment at the end of your leg.

370 JCL: You send your foot down to MIS with a 4000 page document explaining how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back deep fried.

Unix: % ls foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o % rm * .o rm:.o: No such file or directory % ls % Concurrent Euclid: You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.

HyperTalk: Put the first bullet of the gun into foot left of leg of you. Answer the result.

Motif: You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the trajectory, the bullet, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams. By unknown author.



"640K ought to be enough for anybody." Bill Gates, 1981


Q: Why do Computer Science Majors confuse Halloween and Christmas? A: Because DEC 25 == OCT 31


There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. The car breaks down. "Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again", says the mechanical engineer. "Well", says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system." "I thought it might be an grounding problem", says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead." They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: "Well, what do you think?" "Ummm perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?"











A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course. He needed help to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew over to it, and while circling the building, drew a handwritten sign and held it up to the helicopter's window. The sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. The people in the building quickly responded to the helicopter, drew a large sign and held it up to the building's window. Their sign read "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved to the people in the building, looked at his map, and flew straight back to Seattle airport and landed. After they were on the ground the passenger asked the pilot how the sign "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" helped determine his position? The pilot responded, "I knew I had to be at the Microsoft building because, similar to their help lines, they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer".



40 things to know if your obsessed with counter strike is:

when you sign all your personal checks with your WONID.

when you strafe supermarket aisles.

when you visit a place and say to yourself "This would make an awesome map."

when you are on IRC saying, "yI love playing CS!"

when your wife left you, your kids have left you, but you don't give a **** because you just knifed someone and you have an awesome kill ratio.

when you are nervous at work because there is an air conditioning vent above you.

when you stop masturbating because you think your neighbour has a wallhack.

when you ask a supermarket employee where the buy zone is.

when you pick out your clothes based on what blends the best.

when every time you sit at a computer you automatically put your fingers on A,W,D and the space bar.

when you get up 2 hours early for work so you can play, but it doesn’t matter because you're late anyway.

when you sneak up behind your friends and start stabbing them with your index finger while make knifing noises.

when someone beats you in something and you yell "HAX!"

when you call in sick because you lost your match last night.

when you carry a knife to school just so you'll get there faster.

when you get a glock and shoot someone in the head expecting them to live.

when you write an English report in 1337. "1t w4s t3h b3st 0f t1m3s, 1t w4s t3h w0rst 0f t1m3s..."

when you get beat on a console game and think the other person is wallhacking, even though they are sitting next to you.

when you switch between your pen and your pencil constantly, to be more like HeatoN.

when you're going for a job interview and your first words are "Can I join your clan?"

when you try to defuse your alarm clock in the morning.

when you wake up and get angry that you didn’t spawn with 800 dollars.

when you ask the school bully for a scrim.

when you crouch for more accuracy while playing dodgeball.

when you ask for a restart after missing the school bus.

when you're playing a sport and the opponent talks to you and you say "TEAM TALK ONLY PLEASE."

when you watch a movie and are constantly telling your friends/family what kind of guns they're using and which ones are better.

when you try to carry something up a ladder backwards and wonder why its not working.

when on a cyber-network you ask for: "1v1 \ my bed \ east \ pm me" and "NO pugs!"

when before sex you say "DR" and "lo3."

when you call the american army "lame" because of HE-spamming.

when you ask a friend to crouch to help you climb a small crate.

when you are getting a midnight snack and try to bunnyhop to the fridge in an attempt to make less noise.

when you join the army and lose an arm from the belief that that grenades explode three seconds after you throw them, regardless of when you pull the pin.

when you curse Valve every time something goes wrong in your daily life.

when you ask what "sv_gravity" is set at when playing basketball.

when you accuse someone of stealing your kill in a shootout.



WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data on Whole System
PCMCIA -People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN - It Still Does Nothing
MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
SCSI - System Can't See It
DOS - Defective Operating System
BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM - I Blame Microsoft
MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
DEC - Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM - Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW - World Wide Wait
PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Thru Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
COBOL - Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
AMIGA - A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
LISP - Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
MIPS - Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
RISC - Reduced Into Silly Code


Do you know that Bill gates' REAL name is William Henry Gates III? Nowadays, he is known as Bill Gates (III) where "III" means the order of third (3rd). So, what's so eerie about this name?

OK, if you take all the letters in Bill Gates III and then convert it in ASCII code (American standard code for information interchange) and then ADD up all the numbers...you will get 666, which is the number of the beast!!!


B = 66
I = 73
L = 76
L = 76
G = 71
A = 65
T = 84
E = 69
S = 83
I = 1
I = 1
I = 1 = 666 !!!! THE NUMBER OF THE DEVIL

Coincidence? Maybe, but take WINDOWS 95 and do the SAME procedure and you will get 666 too!!! And the same goes for MS-DOS 6.31!!! Are you sure this is not a coincidence? You decide....

MS-DOS 6.21 ** 77+83+45+68+79+83+32+54+46+50+49 = 666

WINDOWS 95 ** 87+73+78+68+79+87+83+57+53+1= 666

Proper Disk Care
Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is "hooking" you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access to the slot.
Access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.
Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, however, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.
Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives.
Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes.
If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2 minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss data.
Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before using.
Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.
The world's coming to an end. Log off and leave in an orderly fashion.
Nobody has ever, ever, EVER learned all of WordPerfect.
Backups? We doan *NEED* no steenking baX%^~,VbKx NO CARRIER
"Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean?".
Programming is an art form that fights back.
Todays assembler command : EXOP Execute Operator
This message transmitted on 00% recycled electrons.
Resistance is useless! (If 1 ohm)
Asking if computers can think is like asking if submarines can swim.
God is REAL, unless explicitly declared INTEGER.
SET DEVICE=EXXON to screw up your environment.
WOMAN.ZIP: Great Shareware, but be careful of viruses...
WOMEN.ZIP: A great program, but it doesn't come with documentation...
Memory dump: Amnesia...
Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed...
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0
Do you like me for my brain or my baud?
Logic: The art of being wrong with confidence...
May the bugs of many programs nest on your hard drive.
"Real programmers use: COPY CON PROGRAM.EXE".
I just found the last bug.
This time it will surely run.
If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a FAX?
I used to have a life, then I got v32bis!
Was that your wife I saw in that GIF?
Computers are only human.
RAM DISK is not an installation procedure!
It said, "Insert disk #3," but only two will fit!
Computer Science: solving today's problems tomorrow.
C:\GRAPHICS\GIF\NAUGHTY\FILTHY\DISGUSTING\WOW!
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
The best way to accelerate a Mac is at 9.8 m / sec^2
ASCII to ASCII, DOS to DOS.
Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped?
Mommy! The cursor's winking at me!
Life would be much easier if I had the source code.
Trojan: Storage device for replicating codes...
Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once...
Honey, I Formatted the Kid!
My computer isn't that nervous...it's just a bit ANSI.

Glossary of PC Messages

It says: "Press Any Key"
It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving."

It says: "Press A Key"
(This one's a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press the "A" key.)

It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E"
It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem."

It says: "Installing program to C:\...."
It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows
and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them."

It says: "Please insert disk 11"
It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks."

It says: "Not enough memory"
It means: "I don't CARE if you've got 64MB of RAM, I want to use the
bit below 640K."

It says: "Cannot read from drive D:...."
It means: "... However, if you put the CD in right side up..."

It says: "Please Wait...."
It means: "... Indefinitely."

It says: "Directory does not exist...."
It means: ".... any more. Whoops."

It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close."
It means: "....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back."

Stranded on an Island

A man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it.

For the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea for a ship to come to his rescue. One day, as he was lying on the beach stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the island came a rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen -- or at least in last 4 months. She was tall, tanned, and her blonde hair flowed in the sea breeze.

He watched as she rowed her boat toward him.

As she arrived at the beach, he asked, "Where did you come from, how did you get here"?

She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island.. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank"

"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there?"

"It is only me," she said. "Would you like to row over to my place?"

They both got into the rowboat and left for her side of island.

The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm
tree, and there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. "It's not much," she said, "but I call it home. Have a seat. Would you like a drink?"

"No," said the man, "one more coconut juice and I will puke."

"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied, "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.

"You look great," said the woman, "I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable."

After a short time, the woman returned wearing fig leaves strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia.

"Tell me," she purred, "we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely? Is there anything that you really miss?" She moved closer
to him. "Something that all men and woman need? Something that it would be really nice to have right now?"

"Yes there is, now that you mention it," the man replied, moving closer to her. "Tell me, do you happen to have an Internet connection?"

WAY back I bought an Intel Overdrive processor for my 486 at Wal-Mart. I had purchased another one a few weeks before and they worked well. This time I got a faster one, but I found out that my BIOS would not support it. So I box it back up and joined with a friend to take it back for a refund.

At the return counter, I get some hassle. I explain to her that nothing is wrong with it and that it is just incompatible with what I had. The girl thinks I am running a scam and insist that I wait for the “electronics guy” to come back from lunch.

So I stand there for 20 minutes and finally the guy shows up. He briefly talks to her and then comes over to me. He unboxes the CPU and holds it up to the light examining it like it was a diamond or something.

“What did you do to it?”

“I didn’t do anything to it. I already explained that to the other lady.”

“Then why are you bringing it back?”

Now the guy is bouncing it in his hand I guess checking the weight. I figure I should play along before he decides to taste it.

“The Flux Capacitor went out as soon as I plugged it in. I think it was short a Gigawatt.”

He then holds it back up to the light for a second look
“Yeah…I hear these things are bad about that.”

I finally got me refund, but then had to calm down my friend who had crawled to the other side of the desk in hysterics.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up
with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be
driving
$25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to
buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would stall on the freeway for no reason.
You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the
windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before
you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause
your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would
have to remove and reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would
run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would
all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal
Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock
you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted
the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to
learn how to drive all over again, because none of the controls
would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.


<Quotes: some are funny, others are just quotes >

“I’m a drunk, not an alcoholic. I don’t go to those meetings.”

“The best part about Tigger is that he’s the only one.”

“You laugh at me because I’m different, but I laugh at you because you’re all the same.”

“We are the people our parents warned us about.”

“When you feel like criticizing the younger generation, just remember who raised them.”

“If you plan to look back and laugh later, you might as well laugh now.”

“At what point did this seem like a good idea?”

“As you travel down the road of life, whatever be your goal, be sure to keep your eye upon the doughnut, and not upon the hole.”

“Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.” -John F. Kennedy

“There's a difference between knowing the path, and walking the path.”

“I don’t know what hurts worse… saying something that you wish you hadn’t or not saying anything when you wish you had.”

“A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and gets to bed at night, and in between he does what he wants to do.”

“Life is not measured by the breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away.”

“A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words”

“Don’t walk ahead of me; I may not follow. Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend.”

“Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over”

“Men and women can never truly be friends. Sex always gets in the way.”

The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, "Doctor, I want to know, why do men always want to marry a virgin? To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism."

"I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. ‘Please, I'll only put it in for a minute.’ What am I, a microwave?"

“Sex is nobody's business but the three people involved.”

“It's who we don't say no to that defines who we are.”

“When life hands you an orange, make screwdrivers.”

“Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.”

“Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.”

Lady Astor: "Mr. Churchill, you're drunk!" Winston Churchill: "Yes, and you, Madam, are
ugly. But tomorrow, I shall be sober."

“I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.”

“I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, ‘What was THAT?!’”

“Mr. Madison. What you've just said....is one of the most insanely idiotic things I've ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response was there anything that could even be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.”

“Man may have discovered fire, but women discovered how to play with it.”

“Feminism causes women to kill their husbands, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians.”

“A picture is worth 500 to 1500 words depending on how good looking you are.”

“Sure, a woman can fake an orgasm, but it takes a man to fake a whole relationship.”

“Everything I need to know I learned in kindergarten: boys are stupid.”

“Adolescence is when children start bringing up their parents.”

“If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is ‘God is crying.’ And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, ‘Probably because of something you did.’”

“I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.”

“Maybe this world is another planet’s hell”

“The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, the pessimist fears this is true.”

“If you take life too seriously you won't get to laugh along with everybody else when you fail.”

“Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder.”

“What can you say about a society that says God is dead and Elvis is alive?”



“I’d rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints. The sinners are much more fun.”

“I used to rock n’ roll all night and party every day. Then it was every other day. Now I’m lucky if I can find half an hour a week in which to get funky."

“Heaven doesn’t want me and Hell’s afraid I’ll take over.”

“Killing yourself is absolute cowardice. I mean, waaa waaa, I can't deal with my problems, better take the lazy way out...”

“If I keep my expectations for life low enough I can achieve all of my wildest dreams.”

“Once I thought I had mono for a year, it turns out I was just really bored.”

“Experience is what allows us to repeat our mistakes, only with more finesse.”

"Why say 'no' when it feels so good to say 'yes'?"

"Understanding is reached only after confrentation."

"It's far better to be ****ed off than ****ed on."

"We're family, we're gonna be doin' lots of dumb stuff together."

"What the American public doesn't know is what makes them the American public."

"I never let my schooling get in the way of my education." -Mark Twain

"What good fortune for those in power that people do not think." ( Adolph Hitler )

"It's a challenge. That's why it's called a short cut, because if it was easy then it would just be the way." ( Road Trip )

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." - Tiger Woods (from Kelly)

"Opinions are like ********, everyone has one and everyone thinks that everyone else's stinks!"

"Its not an optical illusion, it just looks like one" -Denny Jones

”A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.? ( Winston Churchill )

"If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you." ( Winnie the Pooh )

"You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across the field into your lover's arms can only come later when you're sure they wont laugh when you trip."

"People who drink to drown their sorrow should be told that sorrow knows how to swim."

"I don't worry about what people think of me because it can't be half as bad as what I think of them."

"I laugh at danger...and then I hide and wait for it to go away."

"An eye for an eye only creates more blindness."

"If you had to wear a bra and high heels you'd be a bitch too."

"It's not PMS I just hate you."

"Men have feelings too but who really cares."

"Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get." ( Forrest gump )

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

"I've developed a new philosophy...only dread one day at a time."

There are no personal problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.

Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not nailed down.

We, the willing, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much for so long with so little that we are now qualified to do anything with nothing.

The stages of a project : (1) Enthusiasm, (2) Depression, (3) Panic, (4) Search for the guilty, (5) Punishment of the innocent, (6) Rewards for the non-participants.

I pretend to work here - they pretend to pay me.

If this person breaches their contract, they will be terminated. And I don't mean fired.
There are 2 rules for success in life : 1. Don't tell people everything you know.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

I had to hit him : he was starting to make sense.

Mind intentionally left blank...

Did you know, 50% of doctors graduated in the BOTTOM HALF of their class.

If at first you dont succeed, blame someone else and seek counselling.

There are some people we *want* to offend.

Why do you laugh? Change the name, and the story is told of you.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

What if there were no such thing as a hypothetical situation?

We have only 2 things to worry about: That things will never get back to normal, and that they already have.
Remember the world is a big place. Even if you're one in a million, that means 1000 people in China look exactly like you.

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up. You're the sucker.

I was driving on the freeway and I saw a hitch hiker holding a sign that said ’heaven,’ so I hit him he seemed like a nice guy, so he probably made it.
- Stephen Wright

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I've forgotten this before
- Stephen Wright

I dont actually know what these are but they we're quoted theirgo they're quotes.


The time for action is past! Now is the time for senseless bickering!
- Ashleigh Brilliant
There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting.
- George Carlin
When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
- Woody Allen
Worst Month of the Year: February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
- Steve Rubenstein
Where ever you go, there you are.
- Buckaroo Bonzai
A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality test", said the outsider, "because I want you to be happy." Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the toaster : "I wish the toaster to be happy too"
As you know, Joel, children have always looked up to cowboys as role models. And vice versa.
- Unknown
This person called up and said, "You've got to come and take this seminar. It will completely change your life in just one weekend." And I said, "Well, I don't want to completely change my life this weekend. I've got a lot of things to do on Monday.
- Rick Fields
In fact, one thing that I have noticed... is that all of these conspiracy theories depend on the perpetrators being endlessly clever. I think you'll find the facts also work if you assume everyone is endlessly stupid.
- Brian E. Moore
You deliver a good argument, but speaking personally, I'd rather have an exhibitionist nymphomaniac, especially one who looked like Julie Newmar.
- Jerry Boyajian
Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.
- John Kim.
To err is human, but it feels divine.
- Mae West.
It was an accident officer. I was cleaning my fingernails. With ahunting knife. And he ran into me. Backwards. Fourteen times.
- B. Hill.
The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I
Reality is for people who can't handle science fiction.
Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.
- Unknown
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it?
What does 'it' mean in the sentence "What time is it?" ?
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye, then it becomes a scavenger hunt.
Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
You may be recognized soon. Hide.
You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll be dead.
You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.
You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
You will be surprised by a loud noise.
You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.
Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price.
You know my motto: Forgive and uh... the other thing.
A friend is someone you call to help you move. A best friend is someone you call to help you move... a body.
I have an inferiority complex, but it isn't a very good one.
- All Anon
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
- Bruce Graham
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
- Bruce Graham
Alone, adj : In bad company.
TV is a Medium, called so because it is neither rare nor well done..
- Anon
Puritan : Someone who is afraid that, somewhere, someone else is having a good time.
- H. L. Mencken.
Eloquence : The ability to describe Kim Basinger without using one's hands.
- Michael Harkness
Highbrow : A man who can listen to the William Tell overture without thinking of Robin Hood.
- Niall Tobin
Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women.
- P.J. O'Rourke
Mustgo, n. : Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so long it has become a science project.
- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
Chicken Soup, n.: An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin, cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
A Milli-Helen is the amount of beauty required to launch one ship. A Micro-Helen is the amount of beauty required to motivate one sailor. A Mega-Helen is the amount of beauty required to make the sailor think in any other terms than a one-night stand.
- Some Dubious metrics

God created a few perfect people. All the rest are right-handed.

From a Windows 95 demo: It's not a miracle. It's Windows 95.

Those who claim time is money are wrong. Time is life



Don't judge a book by its movie.

As easy as 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841.

All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

If hackers ran the world, there'd be no war--lots of accidents, maybe.

Hard work never killed anybody...but why take chances?

Good ideas come to those who steal them.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Statistics show every two minutes another statistic is created.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Being superstitious brings bad luck.

What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.

After all is said and done, usually more is said.

Three can keep a secret, if two are dead.

Join the army, meet interesting people, and kill them.

Two wrongs don't make a right--three lefts do.

A man who smiles when things go wrong knows who to blame.

Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

Golf scores are directly proportional to the number of witnesses.

On the other hand, the early worm gets eaten.

Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they may cancel your VISA.

If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.

Earn cash in your spare time--blackmail your friends.

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

Live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal ideas from many is research.

My personal opinion is that apple is a fruit and that one should not mix fruits with computers because that one might end up with a Crapple.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

The Internet? We are not interested in it. -- Bill Gates, 1993

640 K ought to be enough for anybody. -- Bill Gates, 1981

people die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue

Never trust a tech who tattoes his IP address to his arm, especialy if it's DHCP

You know what's funny? -- Neither do we.

Life is Like a D*** Very Hard End Much Too Short


The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong,
is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair.
There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.
There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception.
I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said "no."
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
Never answer an anonymous letter.
What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg.
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
People used to explore the dimensions of reality by taking LSD to make the world look weird.
Now the world is weird and they take Prozac to make it look normal.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined
I am a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from humans.
Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
All of the animals except man know that the principal business of life is to enjoy it.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
No one is listening until you fart.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
</quotes>


An elderly man was at home, upstairs dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies. With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet.

As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.

"Why?" he whispered, "Why did you do that?"

"They're for the funeral," she replied.



* * *



A salesman was driving in the backcountry when he realized that he will not be able to make it to one of his appointments. He looks up the clients phone number and tries to call him on his cell phone, but the cell phone won¹t work. Realizing that it might be hours before he could find a pay phone he decides to stop at the next farm and ask the farmer if he could use his phone.

He stops at the first farm he can find and walks toward the main house. Halfway he sees a pigpen with a lot of ordinary pigs but one of them is hopping around on a wooden leg. Since he had never seen a pig with a wooden leg he is very curious about it. Just then the farmer approaches and the salesmen is about to ask about using the phone when the pig¹s wooden leg again catches his attention and he asks the farmer about it.

The farmer says "Oh, that pig is really special, about a year ago that pig saved our lives. The main house caught on fire while we were both sleeping. That pig saw the fire, he chewed through that pen gate, ran up to the house, chewed through the front door, ran upstairs and dragged maw and me out of the house, and sure as the sun's coming up, he saved our lives."

The sales man is amazed. He had never heard anything like that but, he is still curious about the wooden leg and he asks about it again. The farmer doesn¹t let him finish asking and he again says "That pig is special, you haven¹t heard the whole story yet. About eight month ago I was riding the tractor way out there when the wheel hit a rut and turned over pinning me underneath so that I couldn¹t move or do anything else but that pig saw the whole thing happen. He chewed through the pen and ran like the devil to me, pulled me out and saved my life again."

Now the salesman is really stunned, but he still wants to know about the wooden leg. This time the farmer again says, "This pig is special--a pig like that, you don't eat all in one time."



* * *



A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar. He is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and looks around unsuccessfully for a necktie. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk.

In desperation he ties the jumper cables around his neck, fashions a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant.

The bouncer carefully looks him over and says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."

[Gandalf]

Quotes from Sir Winston Churchill:

One woman M.P, who was noted more for her strong independence of mind than for her beauty, once turned on Churchill after a rather heated exchange.
'Mr. Churchill, you're drunk!'
'And you, madam,' replied Churchill, 'are ugly. But I shall be sober tomorrow.'

- - - - - -

A friend once asked Churchill: 'Why do you paint only landscapes?'
'Becuase,' said Winston, 'a tree doesn't complaint that I haven't done it justice!'

- - - - - -

On air raids: 'Learn to get used to it. Eels get used to skinning.'

and finally

'In war you don't have to be nice: you only have to be right.'

[InThrees]

A priest is walking down the street of a fairly small town when he sees a young boy coming the other way holding a masonry jar of amber liquid.

Considering this passing odd, he stops the young fellow. "Son, just a moment. What do you have in the jar there?"

"This? This is gasoline!" the boy proudly exclaims.

"Gasoline? That's very dangerous for young boys." Reaching inside of his vestments, he pulls out a philtre tied to a chain around his neck. "Here, let me trade you this vial of holy water for that jar of gasoline."

"Holy water? What's that good for?"

"Well, holy water is a magical thing. A few drops of this rubbed on a woman's stomach, and nine months later she will pass a beautiful baby!"

The boy thinks for a moment. "So what? A few drops of this on a cat's ass and it'll pass a motorcycle!"

[Oni]

Q: How many kids w/ ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Lets go ride bikes!

[Christoph]

What's hard going in and soft and sticky coming out?
Chewing gum!
(from fortune)

This will have amuse any geek who's seen "The Pirates of Penzance" (here is the original, which is also hilarious).

The Tao of Programming is funny if you've ever read any of The Analects of Confucious.

[Excelsior]

He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
On the other hand you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable except from a vending machine.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword... get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's not dead... he's electroencephalographically challenged.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
You can't have everything....where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
I wished the buck stopped here as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
All I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power.
Always be sincere, even when you don't mean it. - Irene Peter
Always remember no matter where you go, there you are.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Ambition is the last refuge of the failure.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Angels can fly because they take themselves so lightly.
Any fool can criticize, condemn, & complain. And most do.
Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening. - Pardo
Anything that is designed to do more than one thing can't do any of them well.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.
As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airline encounters turbulence.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. - Mae West
Bigamy : one husband too many. Monogamy : same thing.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Bugs are Sons of Glitches!
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Choose heaven for climate, hell for society.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age 18. - Albert Einstein
Confusion not only reigns, it pours.
Constant change is here to stay.
Dain bramaged.Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
Do steam rollers really roll steam?
Do witches run spell checkers?
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
Don't be so open-minded your brains will fall out.
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
Don't Take Life Seriously, It Is Not Permanent.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Drugs have taught an entire generation of American kids the metric system.
___ Dyslexics of the world, untie!
Efficiency takes time! Frugality: who can afford it?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
Every time I've built character, I've regretted it.
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.
Exceptions always outnumber rules.
Exceptions prove the rule ... and wreck the budget.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. - Olivier
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
Floggings will continue until morale improves.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
Forgive your enemies...but REMEMBER THEIR NAMES!
Friends come and go, enemies accumulate.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Friendship is one soul in two bodies.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
Gravity doesn't exist. The Earth sucks.
Grow your own dope... plant a man.
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional!!
Gun control is being able to hit your target!
He who hesitates is probably right.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after.
Deeply profound message: Quotes are for people who can't express themselves in a coherent manner.
I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure...
I'm not insensitive, I just don't care.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
I live on a one-way dead-end street.
Unix for stability. Macs for productivity. Windows for solitaire.
Alcohol & calculus don't mix. Never drink & derive.
DRD: Department of Redundancy Department.
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
It may be your sole purpose in life to serve as a warning to others.
Make it idiot-proof, and someone will make a better idiot.
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
The box said "Requires Windows 95 or better." So I installed LINUX.
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of SMART?
We may be alone. We may not be alone. Either way, the thought is staggering.
When the going gets tough, the tough get duct tape.
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
Suburbs are areas where they cut down trees and then name the streets after them.
A glow worm is never glum... Because, how can you be grumpy when the sun shines out of your bum?
Don't think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey!
Restraining orders are just another way of saying I love you.
It's better to let someone think that you're an idiot than it is to open your mouth and prove it I don't have issues, I have a whole subscription.
Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean..
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

[DDR-PIII]

Most of these were created by me; at least give me credit when you plagiarise them.


Acura - Apparently Cheap U-joints Replaced Again

MDX - My Driveshaft Xploded

AM General - Apparently My Girth Enables Neophytes to End Rollovers At Last

Hummer - Huge Unwieldy Monster Mashes Every Rock

Asuna - Annoyingly Slow Under Normal Acceleration

BMW - Break My Windows / Bought My Wife

Buick - Butt-Ugly Imitation Cadillac Kitsch

Rendezvous - Roads Easily Negotiated Demand Extra Zeal; Vibration Overwhelms Unsuspecting Simpleton

Cadillac - Crashed After Driver Intercepted Low-Level Air Craft

Escalade - Embarrassed Stockbrokers Can Always Lie About Dead Electronics

Chevrolet - Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

Avalanche - After Victims Acquire Lease, Annoying Noises Constantly Heard Everywhere

Blazer - Bought Lemon; A Zillion Electrical Recalls (pic)

Silverado - Seized Injectors Lack Velocity; Exciting Roll Abruptly Detains Owner

Suburban - Stretched Useless Blazer Uses Rusty Bolts And Nails

Tahoe - Total Amateur Hates Onerous Electronics / Take A Hike, Or Else

Daihatsu - Damages Axles In Highly Advanced Technical Situations, Unfortunately

Rocky - Rolled Over Cliff; Keep Yanking

Dodge - Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

Dakota - Damned Amateurs, Keep Out of Tough Areas

Durango - Drives Unusually Rough And Never Goes Offroad

Ram - Replace All Motors / Really Awful Mechanicals

Ramcharger - Radiator And Motor Can't Handle A Relatively Gentle Easy Road

Ford - Forget Off Road Driving / Found On Rocks Disabled / Flip Over, Read Directions / or upside down: Driver Returns On Foot / Damaging Rust Overwhelms Frame (pic1) (pic2) (pic3) (pic4) (pic5)

Bronco - Body Rust Overwhelms New Car Owner

Escape - Easy Sidehills Can Alter People's Expectations

Excursion - Expansive Xenophiliac's Cursed Urban Ride Slowly Impairs Owner's Neurons

Expedition - Exorbitant Xeroxed Product Embarrasses Driver Incessantly; Tow It Out Now

Explorer - Expansive Xeric Pastures Leave Our Ride Easily Rolled

Ranger - Retarded Accelleration Needlessly Gets Engine Roaring / Reverse And Neutral Gears Explode Rapidly

Message to Ford Motors: Stop using the letter "x", I'm running out of words!!

Geo - Gross Exhaust Odour

Tracker - Tough Road Action Creates Knocking Engine Rods

GMC - Got a Mechanic Coming? / Get My Come-along / Garbage Master Cylinder / or upside down: Couldn't Make the Grade / Corroding in My Garage

Denali - Docile Engine Needs A Little Injection

Envoy - Expensive New Vehicle Of Yuppies

Jimmy - Jump Into My Mother's Yacht (pic1)

Sonoma - Suddenly Overturned Near Old Mainline Access

Yukon - Yelling Usually Keeps Owners Nonviolent

Holden - High Output Lights Drain Energy Notoriously

Frontera - Frightening Roll-Over Necessitates Training; Engine Rattles Annoyingly

Jackaroo - Junky Air Conditioning Keeps All Registered Owners Oblivous

Honda - Had One, Never Did Again

CRV - Crappy Recalled Vehicle / Crying Reveals Victim

Pilot - Painfully Inadequate Loser Overturns Truck

Hyundai - Help! Yells Unimpressed Newbie, Disappointed After Introduction

Santa Fe - Sluggish Automobile Notoriously Tepid And Fools Everyone / Sad Attempt Not Too Advanced, Fails Early

Isuzu - It Slowly Undermines Ziebart's Undercoating

Amigo - Aliens Might Investigate Grabbing One

Rodeo - Rides On Dry Earth Only

Trooper - Towing Recommended Out Of Pitifully Easy Rocks

Vehicross - Very Easy Hill Invites Crazy Roll Over Side Slopes

Jeep - Just Enough Extra Parts / Jinxed Engine Eats Pistons / Jerks Exploring Every Pasture / Joke Electronics Exceptionally Poor / Just Empty Every Pocket

CJ - Cheap Junk / Children's Jeep / Childish Joke / Claim Jumper

Grand Cherokee - Grandmother's Ride Allows No Droop; Can't Hear Expensive Radio Over Knocking Engine and Exhaust (pic1) (pic2) (pic3)

Liberty - Laughable Inferior Box Easily Rolls, Terrifying You

MJ - My Junk / Motor's Junk / Mom's Jeep / Moronic Jerk

Scrambler - Sad Crawl Ratio Always Makes Boring Life Excitingly Real

Renegade - Rolls Easily, Negating Emergency Gear And Destroying Everything

TJ - Tomorrow's Junk / Tow Job / Try Jacking / Transmission Jammed / Total Joke

Wagoneer - Willfully Atrocious Garbage; Obviously No Engineering Expertise Required

XJ - Xeno Junk

YJ - Yesterday's Junk / You Jerk / Yuppy's Jeep

ZJ - Zero Juice / Zoological Joke

Kia - Keep It Away / Killed in Action / Know It All (Ayeee!)

Sportage - Stupid Psychotic Owner Roasts Transmission And Gets Embarrassed

Lada - Lost And Dumfounded Again

Niva - No Inherent Value at All

Land Rover - Laughing At New Driver, Rolled On Very Easy Road

County - Crazily-Overpriced Unit Normally Taxi's Yokels

Defender - Driver Easily Forgets Everything; Normally Disabled on Every Rock

Discovery - Driver Ignorant; Saves Cash to Own a Very Expensive Ride for Yuppies

Range Rover - Replace All New Gears Eventually; Risk Of Violently Exploding Rear

Lincoln - Lousy Incompetant Numbskull Crashes; Obviously Legally Negligent

Navigator - Not A Very Interested Glance At This Overpriced Ride

Mazda - Mindless Automaton Zipping Dangerously Along

MPV - Mind Painfully Vacant (pic1) (pic2)

Navajo - Not A Vehicle A Judge Owns

Tribute - Terrifying Roll Into Bushes Ultimately Totalled Exterior

Mercedes - Many Easily Roll & Careen Effortlessly Down Endless Slopes

ML - More Lift / Money Lost / Moronic Loser

Unimog - Uncomfortable Noisy Imposing Monstrosity Often Grinds

Mercury - My Easily-Rolled Car Usually Requires Yanking

Mountaineer - Man Overjoyed Until New Transmission And Injectors Negate Electronics, Exploding Rapidly

Mitsubishi - Mournfully I've Tried Spending Unlimited Bucks; I Still Hate It

Montero - My Overrated New Truck Easily Rolls Over

Pajero - Poorly-Assembled Junk; Engine Replaced Often
Nissan - Now I'm Stuck, Send Another Nissan

Pathfinder - People Assume These High-Flying Idiots Normally Drive Easy Roads (pic)

Patrol - Phone A Taxi; Ripped Off Leafs
Hardbody - Happy And Retarded Driver Basically Only Delivers Yuppies

Frontier - Foolish Registered Owner Needs To Investigate Engine Replacement

Murano - Many Unnecessary Repairs Aggravate New Owners
Xterra - Xtreme Terrain Easily Rolls Risky Auto
Oldsmobile - Overpriced Leisurely-Driven Sport-ute, Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment / Oh Look Dear, Some Massive Oil-Burning Idiot's Leaking Everywhere

Bravada - Beats Riding A Very Ancient Dodge Aspen

Pontiac - Parting Out Now, Totalled It After Collision

Sunrunner - Some Unsuspecting Newbie Rolls Uncontrollably on Nice Normal Easy Roads

Saturn - Slow Americans Take Unmarked Roads Nowhere

Vue - Very Ugly Exterior / Very Useless Engine

Subaru - Something Usually Breaks And Renders it Useless

Brat - Beats Riding A Tricycle

Outback - Obviously Useless Transmission Breaks; Air Conditioning Kills

Suzuki - Slid Under Zooming Unimog; Killed Instantly

Grand Vitara - Grossly Restricted Articulation Normally Denotes Very Interesting Time At Rocky Areas

Samurai - Small Automobile Makes Urinals Really Appear Immense

Sidekick - Slow Ineffectual Deathtrap Endangers Kin In Collision Knockout

Tatra - Terrifyingly-Abominable Trash Receptable Approaches

Volvo - Very Old Lady's Vehicle Only

Laplander - Last And Probably Lowest-Achieving National Defense Emergency Ride

Willys - We Invariably Like Long Yank Straps / What Incompetent Losers Like, Yes Siree




To be fair: (and don't let me catch you posting this on your non-Toyota website!)


Toyota - Tipped Over, Yanked Out To Asphalt

Highlander - Hopelessly Incompetent Grandpa Hates Lifts And Needs Daily Energy Ration

Land Cruiser - Lost And Needs Directions, Can't Return Until Idiot Searches Every Road

RAV4 - Really Awful Valueless 4wheeler

Tundra - Totally Uncoordinated New Driver Rolls Always




Unix Commands


If you type these in from the csh (c shell): in Unix, you get the following responses:

% "How would you rate Toyota trucks?
Unmatched ".

% * How would you describe Jeep owners
*: Ambiguous.

% ^How did the^engine mods go?
Modifier failed.

% set i="Wet_map";mkdir $i;chmod 000 $i;ls $i
Wet_map unreadable

% make 'heads or tails of lift laws'
Make: Don't know how to make heads or tails of lift laws. Stop.

% awk "Polly, the truck is sinking"
awk: syntax error near line 1
awk: bailing out near line

% 'thou shalt not get stuck'
thou shalt not get stuck: Command not found.

% man tailgate
No manual entry for tailgate.

% make arb.engage
Make: Don't know how to make arb.engage. Stop.

% If I had a ) for every time I got stuck, what would I have?
Too many )'s.

% %Off-Roading-for-a-living
%Off-Roading-for-a-living: No such job.

% [Where is my stereo?
Missing ]. |

% ls Used_Car_Dealer_Ethics
Used_Car_Dealer_Ethics not found

% got a light?
No match.

% date me
You are not superuser: date not set
Mon May 11 17:52:39 PST 1998

% sleep with me
bad character

[modenaf1]

these are from http://www.overclockers.com/tips928/

Ed. note: I tried to go with those items that showed at least mass ignorance, and which were new to at least me. I didn't include the especially techy errors (like trying to format the primary hard drive while in Win2K), nor those that have been floating around (like putting credit cards in the floppy drive when asked for a credit card number).

Thanks to all who sent items in. Enjoy.



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Military Intelligence
I am a computer tech for a military installation, and some user called in saying his computer had blown up. Upon arriving, I found out that his computer had water all over and in it. The user was watering his plant that was located on top of the case.
It wasn't all that bad that the computer was dead, but it was really bad that he was watering a fake plant.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Being Taken Literally
I work for a small ISP. I had a customer with chronic problems getting online with his 56k modem, so I took the time to drive out to their house to show them basically how to use their computer and how to quit screwing things up.
So as I'm re-installing his modem and putting in all the info for Outlook and his dial-up adapter in and showing him where the power button was, he tells me that he had called our office earlier in the week and that the girl in the office was trying to walk him through the basics of setting up his modem. He told me that she had him go to my computer and right click, then she asked him to go to Properties. He said nothing happened.

I had to apologize for laughing hysterically when I saw his notebook laying on the desk. Apparently, he thought he was being told to WRITE "CLICK."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It Works On Tabletops
Well, I used to work for (OEM tech support), so i could keep you entertained for weeks, but I witnessed a phone call where an elderly lady sprayed Lysol in her computer to kill viruses.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Another Lost iMac User
A woman returned a "faulty" scanner. "Did you check the connections?"
"Oh, I thought it was infra-red or something."
"No. Those wires are not decorative."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
8-Track Girl
A customer service rep for our company's ISP division got a call from a woman trying to install our Internet configuration software. She complained loudly, "Why didn't you REWIND this CD before you sent it out?!".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She Is Not Alone
I was working at a tech at Microcenter at the time. Someone who was completely new to computers (Had never even typed at one in his life) purchased the most expensive system in the store. He just could not figure out how to use it at all. He kept returning it to the service department when it was fine. So eventually they sat him down with me for a lesson. Not something we normally do but this guy dropped 15,000 on this system so we wanted him to be happy.
So I explained the basics of what the mouse is, what icons are. Anyway when we got to the disk drives I tried to explain what a cd-rom was. Now keep in mind this is in 1997. I said its just like an audio CD. Well, he had never even seen an audio CD. So when I explained that it's a modern form of a record or tape. Well he had a tape deck. So I said yeah its like that. Then came the incredible line: "So how do I rewind it when I am done with it?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Linux is STABLE!
A good friend of mine (really!) decided to drill some more holes in his case to add some fans. Well, smart guy that he is, decides, this comp runs Linux, hasn’t been re-booted in forever, so why take it down now?
He put some plastic down, and, case running, starts drilling. Well, guess what? The plastic covering wasn’t that great. He heard some noises, and, oops, time to buy a new m/b!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Natural Watercooling
When I implented my water-cooling system into my case I did all the drilling on my case outside on the patio. Of course, I never even gave the concern that my motherboard was still in the case that night when I left to go to the movies. When I got out of the movies it was raining, and I never took my computer back in side, or even put the case back together. So my mobo got to take a nice bath in the rain.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Your Tax Money Hard At Work
It was early in the semester during my Computer Engineering. The teacher was displaying overheads of motherboards, describing the components so we can learn the layout. She had absolutely no clue what she was talking about. She got to a picture of a Slot I motherboard, and I was half asleep trying not to learn how she thought a computer worked. She starts naming components, expansion slots, RAM slots, power headers...etc. Then she points to a big black chip labeled "440BX" and says, "Now this is the processor". At that moment I couldn't let her go on with this, "No it isn't" I yelled out. Everyone laughed.
She looked at me, "be quiet, of course it is, where else would it be?". I pointed to the big brown slot in the middle of the board. "That's where the processor goes." "No it doesn't" she said, "That's for THE CACHE".

Oh well, i guess it's not all bad. Of course I now have her for programming. Good thing she just learned java the weekend before the semester started


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PColtergeists
One of our technicians dropped a PC on the floor, right in front of its owner, scattering bits of computer everywhere in a 6-foot radius. Ugly.
After that, we borrowed a walkie-talkie from the security department and hid it behind the PCs we were working on. For the next week, whenever he went near those computers, we would say "No! Don't kill me! Leave me alone!" and so on in falsetto voices into the walkie-talkie so they appeared to be 'talking'.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh Well, Back to the Pedophiles
Son: How do you... er... find information that you've, like, put into the computer?
Me: What do you mean, exactly?
Son: Say you put in some... er... numbers and then you wanted to find them again.
Me: Well, you could use the Find tool.
Son: No, they were on the Internet.
Me: Google?
Mother: Oh, just tell the man.
Son: Well, I... er... used my mom's credit card to sign up for a website.
Mother: Tell him.
Son: I signed up for this adult website and I lost the password and now I can't cancel it because I lost the password.
Timothy Leary's First PC
We once had a complete lunatic who tried to refund his perfectly-working, one-month-old PC for reasons he wouldn't disclose. We explained that we didn't refund working items. He then changed his mind and claimed it was faulty. What's the fault? "It's doing my head in!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Another Input Device
About a year ago, my girlfriend's aunt called me because she had a computer problem. Each time she sat down and tried to write something using any software, the cursor would "go nuts and not stop running away". So I went over there to check in on the problem.
She started her computer and started Word, then the cursor effectively "ran away"; Looking at the keyboard, I saw that her rather very large breasts were pressed on the keyboard. So, I rebooted the computer and asked her to sit a little farther away from the screen. Surprise! It worked! I didn't say anything more, thinking she understood the cause of the problem.

I went home, but an hour later, I received another call from her, saying that the "bug" had returned. I went over there again, pushed the keyboard away from her. she saw everything was working fine this time, and being a nice boy, I said no more.

I went home, but she called back again the next day. This was getting old fast, but I wanted to be as polite as possible, so I called my girlfriend and told her to tell her aunt to please remove her boobs from the keyboard.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Boot Camp
Every time someone wants to use my computer, I just say, "Over there". If the computer is turned off (in the morning), I say "over there", each person turns on the power station (which controls the monitor and speakers), and waits for it to boot up.
After five minutes, they all ask "What's wrong with your computer?" and I always answer, "Push the button next to the floppy drive". That usually fixes it.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
. . . and last but not least.
How Michael Dell Got Started
Back in 1983 I was in computer sales. Those were the days when an 4.77MHz 8088-based IBM computer w/ a 360KB full height floppy drive and a 10MB HDD, 256K (not MB) RAM, CGA 16 color video adapter and 14" color monitor, with a parallel port and Epson 80 column dot matrix printer ran $10,000+ dollars. Needless to say, personal computing was in its infancy and customers were not very educated about this "new" technology.

Well, we had a "regular" customer that would "hang out" at our computer store -- kind of like a "groupie" without the sex or drugs. This person considered himself an expert, and would show up practically every day to advise our customers on what to buy. Whenever a customer made a decision as to which computer they were going to purchase, the groupie went out of his way to tell the buyer what a wise decision he or she had made and would offer additional recommendations to help us add to the sale with items such as supplies, surge suppressors, floppies, etc..

One day, we were very busy. The "groupie" was extremely helpful and made sure that customers were greeted and that did not wander about unrecognized. He spent a great deal of time working with one prospective customer and developed quite a trusting relationship with him. Whatever our "adopted salesperson" recommended, they wanted. All-in-all, quite a nice little system -- all components that I would certainly have recommended.

When it came to ring up the sale, I asked about items such as surge suppressor, printer ribbons, etc., and also mentioned a Floppy Diskette holder to store the diskettes. The customer then looked to our friendly and helpful "groupie" for his opinion and received the comforting "nod" of approval. I then went to the back room to collect the items, and upon placing them on the counter I started to ring the items up.

Suddenly our "groupie" blurted out "not that one. "Don't get that floppy disk holder." That one stores the diskettes vertically -- the bytes will slide right off and you'll lose your data!" "You need one that will store the diskettes horizontally!"

Everyone in the shop (sales personnel included) stopped what they were doing and looked to see what my response would be. After what seemed like an eternity I responded -- "You are absolutely right," I said. "Thank you for catching that! It seems that our vendor ran out of the horizontal floppy storage cases and substituted the vertical ones".

I then told the customer that I would re-order the horizontal storage units and give them a call upon there arrival.

Well, what could I say? After all, this person had practically sold the customer a complete system, and I was getting the commission for it. I couldn't make him look stupid!

After that we always stocked horizontal floppy diskette storage cases for whenever our "groupie" was around.


Then there was the time someone failed to save their data and blamed the fact their data was missing on the fact that the PC's power cord was pinched between the desk and the wall, impeding the flow of electricity, similar to a kink in a garden hose …
Those were the days!!

[rugbyroy]

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says to the grasshopper "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper says "Really?! You have a drink named Steve?"

[amazon10x]

this is from annoyances.org

A Week in the Life of the Notes Support Person from Hell

Monday 8:05am User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use password retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me and hang up. God, we let the people vote and drive, too?

8:12am Accounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports database. Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, "Well, it works for me." Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from the UPS and plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it again. One more happy customer...

8:14 am User from 8:05 call said they received error message "Error accessing Drive 0." Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to microsupport.

11:00 am Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone back in so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into town this weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial closet down in basement. What is she thinking? The "Myst" and "Doom" nationals are this weekend!

11:34 am Another user calls (do they ever learn?). Says they want ACL changed on HR performance review database so that nobody but HR can access database. Tell them no problem. Hang up. Change ACL. Add @MailSend so performance reviews are sent to */US.

12:00 pm Lunch

3:30 pm Return from lunch.

3:55 pm Wake up from nap. Bad dream makes me cranky. Bounce servers for no reason. Return to napping.

4:23 pm Yet another user calls. Wants to know how to change fonts on form. Ask them what chip set they're using. Tell them to call back when they find out.

4:55 pm Decide to run "Create Save/Replication Conflicts" macro so next shift has something to do.

Tuesday 8:30 am Finish reading support log from last night. Sounded busy. Terrible time with Save/Replication conflicts.

9:00 am Support manager arrives. Wants to discuss my attitude. Click on PhoneNotes SmartIcon. "Love to, but kinda busy. Put something in the calendar database!" I yell as I grab for the support lines, which have (mysteriously) lit up. Walks away grumbling.

9:35 pm Team leader from R&D needs ID for new employee. Tell them they need form J-19R=9C9\\DARR\K1. Say they never heard of such a form. Tell them it's in the SPECIAL FORMS database. Say they never heard of such a database. Transfer them to janitorial closet in basement.

10:00 am Perky sounding intern from R&D calls and says she needs new ID. Tell her I need employee number, department name, manager name, and marital status. Run @DbLookup against state parole board database, Centers for Disease Control database, and my Oprah Winfrey database. No hits. Tell her ID will be ready tonight. Drawing from the lessons learned in last week's "Reengineering for Customer Partnership," I offer to personally deliver ID to her apartment.

10:07 am Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in basement. Offer to train him on Notes. Begin now. Let him watch console while I grab a smoke.

1:00 pm Return from smoking break. Janitor says phones kept ringing, so he transferred them to cafeteria lady. I like this guy.

1:05 pm Big commotion! Support manager falls in hole left where I pulled floor tiles outside his office door. Stress to him importance of not running in computer room, even if I do yell "Omigod -- Fire!"

1:15 pm Development Standards Committee calls and complains about umlauts in form names. Apologizing for the inconvenience, I tell them I will fix it. Hang up and run global search/replace using gaks.

1:20 pm Mary Hairnet from cafeteria calls. Says she keeps getting calls for "Notice Loads" or "NoLoad Goats," she's not sure, couldn't here over industrial-grade blender. Tell her it was probably "Lettuce Nodes." Maybe the food distributor with a new product? She thinks about it and hangs up.

2:00 pm Legal secretary calls and says she lost password. Ask her to check in her purse, floor of car, and on bathroom counter. Tell her it probably fell out of back of machine. Suggest she put duct tape over all the airvents she can find on the PC. Grudgingly offer to create new ID for her while she does that.

2:49 pm Janitor comes back. Wants more lessons. I take off rest of day.

Wednesday 8:30 am Irate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with fonts on form. Tell them Of course, they should have been checking "Bitset," not "chipset." Sheepish user apologizes and hangs up.

9:10am Support manager, with foot in cast, returns to office. Schedules 10:00am meeting with me. User calls and wants to talk to support manager about terrible help at support desk. Tell them manager about to go into meeting. Sometimes life hands you material...

10:00 am Call Louie in janitorial services to cover for me. Go to support manager's office. He says he can't dismiss me but can suggest several lateral career moves. Most involve farm implements in third-world countries with moderate to heavy political turmoil. By and by, I ask if he's aware of new bug which takes full-text indexed random e-mail databases and puts all references to furry handcuffs and Bambi Boomer in Marketing on the corporate Web page. Meeting is adjourned as he reaches for keyboard, Web browser, and Tums.

10:30 am Tell Louie he's doing great job. Offer to show him mainframe corporate PBX system sometime.

11:00 am Lunch.

4:55 pm Return from lunch.

5:00 pm Shift change; Going home.

Thursday 8:00 am New guy ("Marvin") started today. "Nice plaids" I offer. Show him server room, wiring closet, and technical library. Set him up with IBM PC-XT. Tell him to quit whining, Notes runs the same in both monochrome and color.

8:45 am New guy's PC finishes booting up. Tell him I'll create new ID for him. Set minimum password length to 64. Go grab smoke.

9:30 am Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin. "Nice plaids" Louie comments. Is this guy great or what?!

11:00 am Beat Louie in dominos game. Louie leaves. Fish spare dominos out of sleeves ("Always have backups"). User calls, says Accounting server is down. Untie Ethernet cable from radio antenna (better reception) and plug back into hub. Tell user to try again. Another happy customer!

11:55 am Brief Marvin on Corporate Policy 98.022.01:

"Whereas all new employee beginning on days ending in 'Y' shall enjoy all proper aspects with said corporation, said employee is obligated to provide sustenance and relief to senior technical analyst on shift."

Marvin doubts. I point to "Corporate Policy" database (a fine piece of work, if I say so myself!). "Remember, that's DOUBLE pepperoni and NO peppers!" I yell to Marvin as he steps over open floor tile to get to exit door.

1:00 pm Oooooh! Pizza makes me so sleepy...

4:30 pm Wake from refreshing nap. Catch Marvin scanning want ads.

5:00 pm Shift change. Flick HR's server off and on several times (just testing the On/Off button...). See ya tomorrow.

Friday 8:00 am Night shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server. Told them it worked fine before I left.

9:00 am Marvin still not here. Decide I might start answering these calls myself. Unforward phones from Mailroom.

9:02 am Yep. A user call. Users in Des Moines can't replicate. Me and the Oiuji board determine it's sunspots. Tell them to call Telecommunications.

9:30 am Good God, another user! They're like ants. Says he's in San Diego and can't replicate with Des Moines. Tell him it's sunspots, but with a two-hour difference. Suggest he reset the time on the server back two hours.

10:17 am Pensacola calls. Says they can't route mail to San Diego. Tell them to set server ahead three hours.

11:00 am E-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting the time on their servers. I change the date stamp and forward it to Milwaukee.

11:20 am Finish @CoffeeMake macro. Put phone back on hook.

11:23 am Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is.

11:25 am Support manager stops by to say Marvin called in to quit. "So hard to get good help..." I respond. Support manager says he has appointment with orthopedic doctor this afternoon, and asks if I mind sitting in on the weekly department head meeting for him. "No problem!"

11:30 am Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he's invited to a meeting this afternoon. "Yeah, sure. You can bring your snuff" I tell him.

12:00 am Lunch.

1:00 pm Start full backups on UNIX server. Route them to device NULL to make them fast.

1:03 pm Full weekly backups done. Man, I love modern technology!

2:30 pm Look in support manager's contact management database. Cancel 2:45pm appointment for him. He really should be at home resting, you know.

2:39 pm New user calls. Says want to learn how to create a connection document. Tell them to run connection document utility CTRL-ALT-DEL. Says PC rebooted. Tell them to call microsupport.

2:50 pm Support manager calls to say mixup at doctor's office means appointment cancelled. Says he's just going to go on home. Ask him if he's seen corporate Web page lately.

3:00 pm Another (novice) user calls. Says periodic macro not working. Suggest they place @DeleteDocument at end of formula. Promise to send them document addendum which says so.

4:00 pm Finish changing foreground color in all documents to white. Also set point size to "2" in help databases.

4:30 pm User calls to say they can't see anything in documents. Tell them to go to view, do a "Edit -- Select All", hit delete key, and then refresh. Promise to send them document addendum which says so.

4:45 pm Another user calls. Says they can't read help documents. Tell them I'll fix it. Hang up. Change font to Wingdings.

4:58 pm Plug coffee maker into Ethernet hub to see what happens. Not (too) much.

5:00 pm Night shift shows up. Tell that the hub is acting funny and to have a good weekend.

[c627627]

... written by someone having problems with their internet connection in Britain.


Dear Cretins:

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your four-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, telephone, and alarm monitoring. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative and seek to rectify these difficulties or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website. HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes -- an activity at which you are no doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over four weeks my modem arrived, six weeks after I had I requested it -- and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35% -- the hours between about 6 pm and midnight, Monday through Friday, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection.

I have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals who are, it seems, also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to an answering machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman. And several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care. It's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought British Telecom was ****; that they had attained the holy ****-pot of god-awful customer relations; and that no one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?

How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of *******s you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order. BT -- wankers though they are -- shine like brilliant beacons of success in the filthy mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver. Any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief and will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit -- they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable short lives, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twits.

May you rot in Hell,
Robert Stokes

Swearing isn't allowed, don't edit them back in again.

Thelemac

[baqai]

Following are actual sports commentry bloopers/blunders which i found to be really funny hope you ppl will like them

- "Sure, there have been deaths in boxing, but none of them
serious."(Alan Minter)


- "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
Winston Bennett)

- "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it, which
is identical." (Murray Walker - F1 racing commentator)

- "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my father and mother." (Greg
Norman)

- "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing
again." (Terry Venables - Soccer Coach)

- "I would not say that David Ginola is the best left winger in the
Premiership, but there are none better." (Ron Atkinson - soccer coach)

- "Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seems to hang in the air
for even longer." (David Acfield)

- "What will you do when you leave football, Jack. Will you stay in
football?" (Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live)

- "For those of you who are watching in black and white, the blue is
behind the brown." (Ted Lowe, Snooker commentator)

[eh?]

This is just cool.


This is just sad.


i liked this one.

[eh?]

Well its been a while, so i thought i would throw some more up. BTW im haveing women problems with the new girl and the ex, so sadly no new pictures

anyway back to what i was going post.


You can see where the cat ranks



This is smart advertising.



I think this is my favorite. I got 2!



I tried to download the internet.....

[eh?]

They sell plauqes of these, im thinking about getting a couple. Of this one and another one.


Not going to get this one.


kinda liked this one.


Liked this one also.


heh, this one also.

[deRusett]

A guy walks into a bar,

he sits down and the bar tender says.

"what can I get you buddy"

the guy says.

"a beer."


hehehe

[amazon10x]

LOL, This is from Microsoft's site for there AV program, after you submit everything and they go to send you an email with the download link and such:

Thanks for choosing eTrust EZ Armor. You'll receive your confirmation email shortly from notifications@my-etrust.com. If your email provider uses spam filtering, please check your spam folder for our email.

Also, this is from Annoyances.org:
How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?


1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

[Chris]

How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?

Wi Jam In

-Chris

[Bensa]

Oh, man, Chris, that was just horribly corny

What if Operating Systems Were Airlines?

DOS Airlines
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again, then they push again jump on again, and so on.

OS/2 Airlines
The terminal is almost empty, with only a few prospective passengers milling about. The announcer says that their flight has just departed, wishes them a good flight, though there are no planes on the runway. Airline personnel walk around, apologising profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside the terminal on the field. They tell each passenger how good the real flight will be on these new jets and how much safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but that they will have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems.
Once they finally finished you're offered a flight at reduced cost. To board the plane, you have your ticket stamped ten different times by standing in ten different lines. Then you fill our a form showing where you want to sit and whether the plane should look and feel like an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you succeed in getting on the plane and the plane succeeds in taking off the ground, you have a wonderful trip...except for the time when the rudder and flaps get frozen in position, in which case you will just have time to say your prayers and get in crash position.

Windows Air
The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Windows NT Air
Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.

Mac Airlines
All the stewards, stewardesses, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look the same, act the same, and talk the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.

Unix Airlines
Each passenger brings a piece of the airplane and a box of tools to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they want to build and how to put it together. Eventually, they build several different aircraft, but give them all the same name. Some passengers actually reach their destinations. All passengers believe they got there.

Wings of OS/400
The airline has bought ancient DC-3s, arguably the best and safest planes that ever flew, and painted "747" on their tails to make them look as if they are fast. The flight attendants, of course, attend to your every need, though the drinks cost $15 a pop. Stupid questions cost $230 per hour, unless you have SupportLine, which requires a first class ticket and membership in the frequent flyer club. Then they cost $500, but your accounting department can call it overhead.

Mach Airlines
There is no airplane. The passengers gather and shout for an airplane, then wait and wait and wait and wait. A bunch of people come, each carrying one piece of the plane with them. These people all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they're building. The plane finally takes off, leaving the passengers on the ground waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting. After the plane lands, the pilot telephones the passengers at the departing airport to inform them that they have arrived.

Newton Airlines
After buying your ticket 18 months in advance, you finally get to board the plane. Upon boarding the plane you are asked your name. After 6 times, the crew member recognizes your name and then you are allowed to take your seat. As you are getting ready to take your seat, the steward announces that you have to repeat the boarding process because they are out of room and need to recount to make sure they can take more passengers.

VMS Airlines
The passengers all gather in the hanger, watching hundreds of technicians check the flight systems on this immense, luxury aircraft. This plane has at least 10 engines and seats over 1,000 passengers. All the passengers scramble aboard, as do the necessary complement of 200 technicians. The pilot takes his place up in the glass cockpit. He guns the engines, only to realise that the plane is too big to get through the hangar doors.

BeOS Air
You have to pay for the tickets, but they're half the price of Windows Air, and if you are an aircraft mechanic you can probably ride for free. It only takes 15 minutes to get to the airport and you are cheuferred there in a limozine. BeOS Air only has limited types of planes that only only hold new luggage. All planes are single seaters and the model names all start with an "F" (F-14, F-15, F-16, F-18, etc.). The plane will fly you to your destination on autopilot in half the time of other Airways or you can fly the plane yourself. There are limited destinations, but they are only places you'd want to go to anyway. You tell all your friends how great BeOS Air is and all they say is "What do you mean I can't bring all my old baggage with me?"

Linux Airlines
Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"