Benchmarking The Boyfriend

People often say very, very serious things very lightly.

For instance, when young people are in love, they are prone to say things like “I would give my life for you.”

You know, that’s a pretty serious words. However, however someone hearing that has to wonder how true it is when the person saying that won’t put up the toilet seat.

But how do you test that?

Up to now, it hasn’t been easy to test someone who tells you that.

First, you have to find somebody else who wants to kill you. Hollywood lies; a good homicidal maniac who kills just for kicks is hard to find. You could die of old age before you run across one. In fact, most people do.

You’ll probably end up having to provoke somebody into wanting to kill you. You have to admit, this is pretty masochistic. The only thing arguably worse is paying someone to do it, and you may run into problems putting out a personal ad for such services.

Seeking this kind of paid professional help often gets you other kinds of professional assistance, like those often offered by mental health or law enforcment authorities.

On the other hand, hiring a professional killer gives you a lot more control over the timing. It’s pretty hard asking an amateur to keep his homicidal rages to a schedule. He might not listen if you ask, “My boy(girl)friend is a little late, could you please wait another ten minutes?”

Even if you manage to take care of all this, and run the test, what happens if you’re successful?

If he or she passes the test, all you can do is give him or her an “A” on the tombstone, and corpses are unquestionably uncuddly.

If he or she looks out for Number One instead, then you’re dead, and the only posthumous recognition you’re likely to get once the story gets out is a Darwin Award. Besides, death greatly deters future dating.

If he or she kills the attacker, well, at least in many places, that gives your government a chance to try again, and they don’t play fair. Either that, or your government makes your partner take free room and board from them for a long, long time.

What happens when both parties in a relationship promise to give up his and her life, and both get threatened? Who goes first? Does “Ladies first” still apply? Or do you demand that you both be killed, just to be fair?

Up to now, this has been a question without a means to a practical answer.

Until now.