Well, from everything I've tried, short of getting a new CPU, I think I can safely assume that this motherboard is toast.
It seriously acts as if the power button is being held WITHOUT A POWER BUTTON BEING CONNECTED. I guess on occasion it does somehow work, but when I can unplug the computer all night, reset the CMOS jumper, leave the power buttons disconnected, and as soon as I plug the computer in it starts up completely on its own without me pressing a single thing, and then cuts off within seconds, I can only say that THIS. MOTHERBOARD. IS. DEAD.
And on top of it all ASUS' RMA service is terrible. Definitely not going to be buying an ASUS product again. I will try ASUS RMA one more time and let you all know how that goes, and if it's still a dud, I will post back whenever I get a new (non-ASUS) motherboard and let you know how that goes, but it will be a while because I will barely scrape by financially this month.
In the meantime, I hope my ASUS laptop I'm having to use doesn't die out of the blue like my motherboard did.
EDIT: I am being too quick to judge and going mainly off of a recent thread I have been reading over someone else's bad experience and expecting the worst with mine. I was just scared of what other people have been through yet so far my only problem is they didn't catch the issue on the first RMA. I will give them the benefit of the doubt and my opinion of ASUS will be considered by the end of this process. I wasn't in a good mood when I said "NEVER AGAIN!" to ASUS, and I apologize for jumping to conclusions before I've even finished dealing with them.