(Got this from someone else as an email; we’ll be glad to attribute if we can get a source)
Jim Lehrer: Welcome to the second presidential debate between Vice
Al Gore and Gov. George W. Bush. The candidates have agreed on these rules:
I will ask a question. The candidate will ignore the question and deliver
rehearsed remarks designed to appeal to undecided women voters. The opponent
will then have one minute to respond by trying to frighten senior citizens
into voting for him. When a speaker’s time has expired, I will whimper
softly while he continues to spew incomprehensible statistics for three more
minutes. Let’s start with the vice president.
Mr. Gore, can you give us the name of a downtrodden citizen and then tell us
his or her story in a way that strains the bounds of common sense?
Gore: As I was saying to Tipper last night after we tenderly made love the
way we have so often during the 30 years of our rock-solid marriage, the
downtrodden have a clear choice in this election. My opponent wants to cut
taxes for the richest 1 percent of Americans. I, on the other hand, want
to put the richest 1 percent in an iron clad lockbox so they can’t hurt old
people like Roberta Frampinhamper, who is here tonight. Mrs. Frampinhamper
has been selling her internal organs, one by one, to pay for gas so that she
can travel to these debates and personify problems for me. Also, her poodle
Lehrer: Gov. Bush, your rebuttal.
Bush: Governors are on the front lines every day, hugging people, crying
with them, relieving suffering anywhere a photo opportunity exists. I want
to empower those crying people to make their own decisions, unlike my
opponent, whose mother is not Barbara Bush.
Lehrer: Let’s turn to foreign affairs. Gov. Bush, if Slobodan Milosevic were
to launch a bid to return to power in Yugoslavia, would you be able to
pronounce his name?
Bush: The current administration had eight years to deal with that guy and
didn’t get it done. If I’m elected, the first thing I would do about that
guy is have Dick Cheney confer with our allies. And then Dick would present
me several options for dealing with that guy. And then Dick would tell me
which one to choose. You know, as governor of Texas, I have to make tough
foreign policy decisions every day about how we’re going to deal with New
Lehrer: Mr. Gore, your rebuttal.
Gore: Foreign policy is something I’ve always been keenly interested in. I
served my country in Vietnam. I had an uncle who was a victim of poison gas
in World War I. I myself lost a leg in the Franco-Prussian War. And when
that war was over, I came home and tenderly made love to Tipper in a way that
any undecided woman voter would find romantic. If I’m entrusted with the
office of president, I pledge to deal knowledgeably with any threat, foreign
or domestic, by putting it in an iron clad lockbox. Because the American
people deserve a president who can comfort them with simple metaphors.
Lehrer: Vice President Gore, how would you reform the Social Security
Gore: It’s a vital issue, Jim. That’s why Joe Lieberman and I have proposed
changing the laws of mathematics to allow us to give $50,000 to every senior
citizen without having it cost the federal treasury a single penny until the
year 2250. In addition, my budget commits $60 trillion over the next 10
years to guarantee that all senior citizens can have drugs delivered free to
their homes every Monday by a federal employee who will also help them with
the child-proof cap.
Lehrer: Gov. Bush?
Bush: That’s fuzzy math. I know, because as governor of Texas, I have to do
math every day. I have to add up the numbers and decide whether I’m going to
fill potholes out on Rt. 36 east of Abilene or commit funds to reroof the
sheep barn at the Texas state fairgrounds.
Lehrer: It’s time for closing statements.
Gore: I’m my own man. I may not be the most exciting politician, but I will
fight for the working families of America, in addition to turning the White
House into a lusty pit of marital love for Tipper and me.
Bush: It’s time to put aside the partisanship of the past by electing no one
Lehrer: Good night.