Hallmark Cards We Will Never See

Someone I know sends me humor pieces. A few are pretty good. This is one of them. Edited a little, but I can’t take credit.

Some of it’s a little brutal, but haven’t you wished you could have sent at least one of these at some time. 🙂

My tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat.

I looked at the tire.

I noticed your cat.


Heard your wife left you.

How upset you must be!

But don’t fret about it.

She moved in with me.

You totaled your car.

And can’t recall why.

Could it have been

That case of Bud Dry?

Your bladder’s removed

and you’re on the mend.

Here’s a bouquet of flowers

and a box of Depends.

You’re out of the closet,

won’t that be a laugh,

When they find out you’re one of
the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Your daughter’s a hooker.

It spoiled your whole day.

Look at the bright side,

It’s really good pay.

“Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help
but wonder: What was I thinking?”

“Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife.”

“How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?”

“You’ve brought religion into my life. I never believed in
Hell till I met you.”

“All I want for Christmas is your sister.”

“As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you’ve given me.
Like the need for therapy.”

“Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was
before you!”

“Congratulations on your promotion! Before you go, could you please
take this knife out of my back? You’ll probably need it again.”

“Someday I hope to get married, but not to you.”

“Happy Birthday! You look great for your age! Almost lifelike!”

“When we were together, you always said you’d die for me. Now that
we’ve broken up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.”

“We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits.”

“I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re here.”

“Congratulations on your new bundle of joy! Did you ever find out whom
the father is?”

“You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and
there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you heaps and think of you

“Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your
birthday. So we’re having you put to sleep.”

Email Ed

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