Shifting Gears

Mel Gibson’s The Passion of the Christ has grossed a third of a billion dollars since its release less than two months ago. It has already made the lists of the top box-office hits of all time, and eventually will probably take a position close to the top of the list.

Hollywood has noticed. As one Hollywood insider put it:

“We have nothing against religious films. Some of our best selling movies have been religious movies. If God is “in” again, we’ll be right in there with Him.”

“People want action, sex, and special effects. There’s plenty of opportunity for all of them in the Bible. We don’t even have to change anything around much. Jedi Knights, Jesus, long-robed miracle workers, same thing. Sex? There’s a lot of “begats” in the Bible, we ought to be able to do something with that. Special effects? I bet our FX guys can part the Red Sea better than Moses.”

He stopped in thought for a moment.

“Hell, we don’t even have to change much around. We could have Bruce Willis play God in “Jesus: Die Hard.” Then we could do the Resurrection in “Rise Harder.”

“I heard that after the Crucifixion, Jesus descended into hell and ran a hostage rescue mission. Bruce has that down cold. I bet Jesus had to kick some serious evil ass to do so. Bruce knows how to do that, too.”

“Think what the Wachowski brothers could do with this. Keanu Reeves as Jesus. I bet he’d find a way to look cool being crucified. Hugh Weaving as Satan. Martial arts and FX in Hell. It’s a natural. Just imagine the video game.”

“You don’t have to do just Jesus flicks, either. Peter seems to be an action kind of guy. Peter means Rock, right? So let the Rock play the Rock, that is, if Stallone doesn’t grab it first. He could use a career boost.

“There’s plenty of things for women, too. You want to make a film with a lot of sex without Christians busting your chops? Let Mary Magdalene do it. If that’s not enough, there’s always Sodom and Gomorrah. What are they going to say, it’s their book, right?

“On a lighter note, there’s lots of woman saints. I’m sure Reese Witherspoon could find one to play in “Spiritually Blonde.”

“If you want to do a movie about Mary, what more natural than to have Madonna play the Madonna? That will be different.”

The Real Reasons

The insider thought some more, then confided:

“You know, the Bible is really big. There’s lots of movie plots in it. Even better, you don’t have to pay the author for the stories.”

“But there’s even a better reason to go retro Biblical these days. We’re scared movies are going to go the way of MP3s. We need a REAL enforcer of our copyrights. I mean, really, what are we going to do to somebody now? Sue one in a thousand? Put one in a million in jail? Who is that going to scare?”

“Now if we could get the real copyright owner interested in defending His IP, and started sending people straight into the bowels of hell after downloading a film, now we’re talking. We’re talking Terminator 2: Judgment Day, for REAL. Think that would cut down the downloads? Wonder how much of a cut He’d want for that.

“Hmmmm, action, horror, you can play that lots of ways in a movie. Wonder if Arnold’s available. . . .”



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